I decided to conduct an experiment by asking a mix of friends, family, and social media what some of their deal-breakers in a relationship are.
Needless to say, I got some interesting responses from both men, women, of various age groups, single, and married folks.
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to participate and as promised I’ve kept everyone’s names anonymous.
Here were the responses:
Lack of Emotional Intelligence (my answer).
I understand some people weren’t raised on love but at some point you gotta unlearn those habits and heal. Teaching someone how to love is so draining. You can really be seeing so much potential in someone but they don’t even realize how great they could be. They are terrified of letting their guards down. You will constantly feel like you’re fighting for their love and attention. Their always in flight mode- to hurt you, before you have the chance to hurt them.
Lack of Communication.
I feel like lack of communication is the number one root of most problems in relationships. You would think something so simple as talking to the person you’re with wouldn’t be so hard but apparently it is. One way to improve communication is by being a good listener and not making up your own assumptions and jumping to conclusions. Listen fully to what the other person has to say. Don’t listen just to respond, listen to truly understand. Here is a list of other ways to communicate better in a relationship: Wikihow.
Not Affectionate or Romantic Enough.
Take the time to learn each others ‘Love Language’. It’s all about knowing what it takes to make your partner feel loved. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If your partner isn’t the touchy lovey dovey type it could mean that that’s not their love language which sucks even more if your love language happens to be physical touch. Ask them and see if they are willing to try being more affectionate, if not- peace out.
There’s no “I” in team. If you’re not ready to think of someone other than yourself, you need to stay single, move out the way and let your partner find someone better, period.
Dishonesty and Disloyalty, also Cheating.
I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheating simply results from a lack of communication. People are afraid to express their needs and wants to their partner and think it’s easier to just go get it from someone else. It’s so selfish to cheat and continue lying about it, trying to have your cake and eat it too. Just be single!!
Body Odor / Poor Hygiene.
Good hygiene is something that is learned in childhood, there’s no reason why you out here smelling bad as a grown adult. I shouldn’t even have to go into details on this one cause people should know better. Take daily baths/showers, good oral hygiene, have a skin and body care routine, take care of your nails and your hair, utilize deodorants, body moisturizers, perfumes/colognes, etc.. It’s not rocket science. Sometimes unusual body odor could be a sign of illness. Be conscious of the foods you consume, they can contribute to how you smell through your pores. If you notice your partner smelling bad quite often, be as polite about it as possible but still address it.
Insecurity, Too Jealous.
I believe there are healthy amounts of jealousy that’s good for a relationship and then there’s the psychotic, delusional levels of jealously. If your partner can’t even breath in the same room as the opposite sex, you’re constantly checking through their phone, hacking their social media accounts, and questioning their whereabouts- YOU are the problem, seek help and do some inner work.
Not Feeling Like a Priority When You Make Your Significant Other Feel Like One.
If you constantly feel alone in your relationship, you might as well just be single. Some signs to know if you aren’t a priority: you make all the effort and moves, they forget special dates, they constantly disappoint you, they never seem to have time, they keep saying they don’t want to make things official but expect loyalty and sex, they never make plans with you or forgets you completely, they don’t introduce you to anyone, they don’t care to put effort into meeting your needs, and they don’t care to resolve disagreements.
You deserve so much better.
Wanting Me to Know What I Want in The Future but Not Having a Clue About Theirs/What They Want.
Basically expecting your partner to have their shit together but not yourself. It’s like bringing an empty plate to the table and expecting to eat. Before demanding more from someone else, ask yourself- are you even enough?
Being Broke, and/or Extremely Cheap.
I’m all about making healthy money decisions and budgeting but being extremely cheap in a relationship is such a turn off. I don’t expect my partner to be a rich millionaire so if you really think about it, the average person is broke and in debt. And there’s nothing wrong with being broke, staying broke is the problem. It’s all about mindset. “Poor” and “broke” is a mindset. You can be broke and still have a winning/hustle mentality and be in the process of changing your financial situation.
Letting Themselves Go, Becoming Boring After Marriage or After Being Together For a While.
I don’t know why people feel the need to stop doing the things they did to court their partner once they get them. Even if you’re married you need to continue dating each other. Chivalry isn’t dead. Find ways to keep the fire hot- get creative, be spontaneous, step out of your comfort zones. Plan thoughtful dates, buy flowers, just-because-gifts, take pride in your appearance, see a sex therapist if needed. It won’t only make your partner feel good, but yourself as well. Once you get married, things should only be getting nastier.
Going to Jail For Petty/Easily Avoidable Reasons and Expecting to Be “Held Down”.
Ain’t gunna be no Bonnie and Clyde, ride or die, or down ass chick over here. If you are constantly doing reckless, criminal things- you will be on your own beloved. I’ve heard of too many murder cases of women and children losing their lives because of the drug dealing boyfriend or husband owing someone money. Helllll no.
Not Knowing How To Apologize When Wrong, Having Too Much Pride.
Don’t let your pride have you missin’ out on a good thing, cause you will regret it. Nobody is going to agree on everything all the time, disagreements are bound to happen but it’s all about how you handle them. There’s no need to yell, everyone can get their point across, respectfully. I am still learning to be more verbal and to not avoid conflict so much. I am someone who loved to use the toxic silent treatment. The rule should be to never go to bed mad at each other. Nip it in the bud, asap.
Not Hearing From Your Partner for Days, Unreturned Texts or Calls While in a Long Distance Relationship.
There’s something about being ignored that don’t sit right with me. Long distance relationships are already difficult. Unless your partner is actually that busy, which I severely doubt, to me it means they’re just not that into you. It takes less than 5 seconds to shoot a text or schedule a quick face time. You should not be going days with no communication. Send an email, a smoke signal, a pigeon post, something! Pride and not wanting to text first also has a lot to do with this. I’ve learned personally that long distance relationships do not work for me.
Excessive Flirting, Doing Too Much/”Cappin” on Social Media, Liking Sexy Pictures of Mutual Friends.
Social media gets a lot of people caught up these days. Keep your personal business off of social media. Don’t run and vent to Twitter after every disagreement you have with your partner. People should know of ya’ll, but nothing about ya’ll. A private life is a happy life. Excessive flirting is a no for me and liking a mutual friends provocative picture would really bother me too. Anybody in a committed relationship shouldn’t be up under anybody’s pictures leaving heart eyes and smirk faces. This is something I would definitely confront.
Different Political or Racial Views/Beliefs. Also, religion.
These are definite deal-breakers. But, these are things you must find out before you get into any type of relationship or friendship. Religion doesn’t matter to me but I know some cultures do not allow people to marry outside of their religion (or race) unless the other person converts. And if my partner doesn’t get equally upset about racism and police brutality, and doesn’t know the history of slavery and the oppression of black people- you’re not for me.
Physical, Mental, and/or Emotional Abuse.
People who are abusive have deeply rooted anger problems/ mental health issues, or abuses drugs or alcohol, or a combination of everything. Do not stay in any type of abusive relationship. Don’t try to stay and work it out, don’t make excuses for someone who abuses you. Get out immediately. Also, please be aware of red flags early on cause there are always red flags. People don’t wake up and decide to hit you upside your head for no reason unprovoked.
Are they easily angered? do they say mean harmful things during arguments? do they throw or slam things?. Be alert and take no shit. This is not a good situation for anyone. I’ve seen this situation a lot when people are together for the wrong reasons, like money. When someone knows you’re only with them for money, that gives them control and power over you and makes them feel like they can treat you any kind of way. It’s not love at all, love shouldn’t hurt. My suggestion is to make them a pot of hot grits. If you know, you know!
Not Supportive of Your Dreams or Goals.
I couldn’t imagine being with someone who wouldn’t want to see me do better. I’m not saying that my partner has to hold my hand every step of the way through helping me achieve my goals but knowing they’re in my corner and has my back is so comforting and encourages me to go harder. People have to also be realistic about their dreams. For example, if your partner is still talking about being a rapper at 40 years old and you know they can’t rap, yikes.
So, after many lessons learned and gaining wisdom from other people’s experiences: If I ever decide to get married, it’s a must that me and my partner seek counseling together FIRST. I don’t want any unresolved traumas showing up later on. Truly get to know people, live together before marriage and before having children. You will learn a lot about someone once you live with them. Make sure you actually like each other. It’s easy to confuse lust with love. Stop settling for situationships. See if you can spend a whole day or weekend together, no phones, without getting annoyed. Never ignore the red flags. Never marry for money or status. And lastly, stop disturbing people you’re not ready for. Heal from your previous relationships before jumping into a new one. Some of ya’ll be bringing all types of baggage and crazy ex’s and expecting your partner to help you unpack that shit.
Till next time,